Stir and Slow

My heart is stirred too much sometimes. I fight the impulse to change everything about the world and nothing about me. Why don’t I just take a step back and let it all be?

You are my core, You have to be. Your voice is like a lullaby and I cry into Your chest and let You collect all these tears. You are always on my side, even when I can’t be on my own. Everything changes, but You do not.

Deep is the emotional resistance I might put up when I try to move through any thing new. Not as deep as my soul and all the complexities of my heart. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to know what it is that has me so exhausted. I’m so afraid of things that are less and less of a reality, so I am not so sure why I struggle so much.

I’m a fighter, to be sure. Most of the time that serves me well, but sometimes I fight so hard for everything that I can’t keep sight of what it is. If everything weren’t so desperately important, maybe I could take a break, or get my heart to slow down. It’s all the beating I can’t control, even when I breathe deeply.

How great is Your love, lavished on me? I am daughter of God, daughter of Jerusalem, dreamer of dreams, prophetess of visions, holder of hope. I am all these things, and sometimes it’s too much.

There is just no way to equate household tasks to ending slavery or daily routines to fighting injustice. But I can defy the system in all these mundane things—not bowing to the expectations and oppressions that history set up to continue. My name, my vote, my career, my consumption, my marriage, my church, my entire identity screams against that injustice and sometimes the smallest things are the loudest.

I don’t have to be anything. I don’t.

And maybe one day I’ll be able to see how all my small decisions took some major steps toward overturning the system. You came to redeem, to reconcile. The whole order that denigrates women, discriminates against brothers and sisters of color, privileges the wealthy, and rapes the earth doesn’t have to be the keeper of my destiny. You keep it. You keep it safe.

You know when I sit and when I rise, when I go out and come back, when I sleep and wake up and all the moments in between. Love is worth the pain. It’s worth all the agonizing over small decisions and large heartaches, and moving in and through the uncertainties. Because You never change.

It’s why I fight and why I can’t sleep and why, finally, I can rest.

Books...

(Thanks APN)

One book that changed my life: 'Til We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis

One book that I’ve read more than once: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

One book that I’d want on a desert island: can I say the Bible and mean it?

One book that made me laugh: The Happy Hockey Family by Lane Smith

One book that made me cry: The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

One book that scared the hell out of me: This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti

One book I wish had been written: Faith, Feminism, and the Future by anyone who will acknowledge feminists in the Church

One book I wish had never been written: Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus

Two books I’m currently reading: Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle and A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Ven Leuwen

One book I've been meaning to read: Offbeat Bride: Taffeta Free Alternatives for Independent Brides by Ariel Meadow Stallings

The Good Samaritan

Thanks to my friend JS for this allegorical reading:

"The man who was going down is Adam. Jerusalem is
paradise, and Jericho is the world. The robbers are
hostile powers. The priest is the Law, the Levite is
the prophets, and the Samaritan is Christ. The wounds
are disobedience, the beast is the Lord’s body, the
[inn], which accepts all who wish to enter, is the
Church. … The manager of the [inn] is the head of the
Church, to whom its care has been entrusted. And the
fact that the Samaritan promises he will return
represents the Savior’s second coming."

This interpretation, which might sound new to us, used
to be of common understanding:

"This allegorical reading was taught not only by
ancient followers of Jesus, but it was virtually
universal throughout early Christianity, being
advocated by Irenaeus, Clement, and Origen, and in the
fourth and fifth centuries by Chrysostom in
Constantinople, Ambrose in Milan, and Augustine in
North Africa. This interpretation is found most
completely in two other medieval stained-glass
windows, in the French cathedrals at Bourges and
Sens."

Dates at Taft

Best of Citysearch 2008 voted Taft Street Coffee #8 for "Budget Date Spot." That's better than a few years ago, when we were voted "Best Place to Have a Last Date"...

Be My (Saint) Valentine

I'll admit I had a phase in college when I dressed in black on Valentine's Day. One year, I even exchanged dead flowers and black paper hearts with a friend. A little morbid, I know, but I often took my resistance to absurd levels. Now I have a partner and participate in some of the rituals at which I balked, but I like to think we temper it.

The history of Valentine's Day is pretty fascinating, as it developed from so many different legends into a holiday that gives us cause to send one billion greeting cards annually. There are, of course, many origins of this fabricated holiday, but the one I attached to most when I learned of it a few years ago was that of the St. Valentine (apparently, there were three) who made his life about sharing Christian love. It made sense to celebrate that, more-so than glorifying the carnal aspects of romantic love with chocolate and flowers. The Roman priest Valentine is the patron of love, young people, and happy marriages. Those are certainly things I can support.

Simplify

I've been trying to simplify my life. It's an on-going process, and very difficult for someone like me who enjoys and is good at a lot of things.

The American work ethic is a strange one... We are socialized to want the American dream and to work hard for it, which really means we work a lot of hours not doing much at whatever will accrue the most money, so we can have lots of stuff and lots of leisure time. At least this is the message society gave me.

I just keep thinking about whose expectations I'm trying to meet, and to whom I think I'm answering. It's generally a resounding point back at myself--the reverse-people-pleaser. By that, I mean I do things that I think people would want me to do if they ever voiced them. That doesn't even make any sense, I know.

I am sure that the simpler my life is, and the more I recognize its cyclical, seasonal nature, the less stressed out I am. Cutting out the things that don't improve my quality of life allows me to focus on others and take care of myself.

Counter-intuitive, but true.

Save our Astrodome!

The good folks at Greater Houston Preservation Alliance have been fighting for several years now to save the Astrodome. They have an an economically viable, preservation-minded, 100% privately funded redevelopment proposal for our eighth wonder of the world. As you might guess, there are a lot of politics involved...

Anyway, show your support for the redemption of space and the preservation of historical sites by signing the petition on the GHPA website. (Please note that there is a donation request at the end of this petition, but that you DO NOT have to donate to iPetitions in order for your signature to be recorded.)

Innuendos

The only radio station I can get clearly on my radio in the mornings is a crappy, top 40 type station. I turn it on for noise and this morning heard a seriously disturbing commercial. It was for HD radio (I think) and it was narrated by the old radio, that complained how the owner didn't "touch his buttons" the same way, and it suspected cheating. As if personifying a radio isn't enough, they had to make a gross sexual innuendo.

I'm usually hyper-aware of the sexually explicit nature of advertisements, particularly when it has nothing to do with the product (which is most of the time). Bikini-clad models have nothing to do with a Ford Focus, and shirtless firemen have nothing to do with selling toothpaste.

Beyond the obvious sexist and denigrating nature of such ads, they just lack creativity. I actually think advertisers resort to sexual innuendos when they are out of ideas. It's so depressing that original ideas and the creative process are so lacking. Ads that do actually say something positive or funny are the ones I appreciate anyway.

(Consumerism is a separate discussion... I'm simply referring to the quality of our commercial intake)

Top 100 Ads
(not surprisingly, few are any good...)

Seeds of Peace

from James...

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

Monday

One of these days I'm going to learn to follow directions. I am actually better at navigating public transportation than anything else... on foot is the most frustrating b/c re-tracing steps takes so long. The NLM is inside the NIH, which is about as huge at the TMC (now I'm just using acronyms for no good reason). So I got off the Metro and promptly went the longest way possible to the library, and went in the back and had to take a tunnel... it was an ordeal. I also got lost inside the History of Forensics exhibit, when I was trying to take a shortcut (why do I do this to myself?). Creepy!

So I'm getting pretty good at this all day archival digging. It helps when you work with nice people and especially helps when you're really patient, because nothing ever goes as planned. I was in the reading room with about 6 ph.d.'s doing research, and one 13 year old kid with his dad. He (the kid) was researching civil war medicine. Obviously.

Sunday

Apparently even historians like to shop. Or they like to buy books at half price, because there were a slew of them in the exhibit hall today. I tried to talk one publisher into giving me an advanced copy of this great book, but no dice. I walked away with 6 books and I was happy with that (especially for the price).

The session I attended discussed new paradigms for the global history of medicine and public health, which was quite interesting particularly in light of the global AIDS pandemic. Reconceptualizing the way we study the history of disease could potentially impact the way we seek to cure it.

I spent time with my historian friend at the National Geographic Center and taking pictures at the White House for her kid. Then I got horribly lost trying to make it to the National Cathedral for a Eucharist service. I actually just gave up, and met my friend for Ethiopian cuisine and chocolate cake.

Tomorrow I'm going deep into the archives, so let's hope that goes well...

Saturday

It's the weekend?

After a short night's sleep (thanks in part to a false fire alarm in the middle of the night), I made it to a breakfast a few blocks away at 8 AM. Not my ideal hour of the day! It was especially difficult to be alert enough to interact with people. But I persevered. Then I attended a session on the decline of the secular university... arguing that many universities are exclusive because they ignore the Judeo-Christian, Roman, Greek, Hebrew, and other religious influences on western academic thought. It was pretty interesting. Then on to a lunch meeting that lasted several hours.

I had an interesting conversation with a woman today who was raised Southern Baptist, converted to Episcopalian, and now teaches in a Quaker school. Women in ministry came up, and she pointed out that people are quick to explain away the verses that support slavery, or tell us to be poor, but cling to the verses that might seem to suggest that women should not be in public ministry.

I took the afternoon and evening off... Conferences are so great but so exhausting. It's a lot to take in and a lot of energy all at once. So I'm resting up for another big day tomorrow.

Friday

De facto/de jure segregation was neither de facto nor de jure. Discuss. I love panels like this, that debate language and deconstruct accepted frameworks. Basically, these panelists argued that there’s too much Southern exceptionalism in the discussions surrounding Jim Crowe and desegregation. It actually got me thinking about re-framing the borders of my own dissertation study. Drat.

One of the benefits of organizational membership is networking with important people. Sometimes no one outside the organization cares, but in this case, you may actually be interested. One of the staff Congressional historians (there’s only four) is a member and arranged a private tour for a few of us to see the Capitol. It was awesome. You haven’t seen a major historical site until you’ve seen it with a group of historians.

Two things were exceptionally cool… First, we got to go on the floor of the House. I sat in the second row! I might actually watch the State of the Union this time… It’s easy to forget about the separation of powers in our government given the intense focus on the executive branch, so it was cool to see all that up so close.

Second, we got to see the new Capitol Visitor Center, which will open in November 2008. It’s still under construction but is primarily finished, so it was really nice to see it before it all gets crazy. We also got to see the new Congressional Auditorium, which won’t be open to tourists. It’s a 450 seat theater type room that the House or Senate can use (and the Library of Congress, actually). Hearing the politics of all that went into creating the visitor center and the museum was fascinating, especially from two historians who were part of the process.

I went to the graduate student reception for the food, but didn’t eat enough, so I went to get French toast. Breakfast for dinner is one of my favorite things in life. I don’t know why. I also met up with a friend from Iowa and some of his colleagues. We discussed the importance of Pietism, the nuances of Anabaptists in England, and the definition of the emergent church. I tried to tell them there wasn’t much of a definition for the latter (that’s kind of the point), but I tried my best. I’m pretty sure they now think that my church worships icons, discards I Corinthians, and has more staff than congregants… none of which are true. Oh well, what can you do?

LK Goes to Washington, Thursday

I'm in our nation's capitol attending the AHA, the largest professional historians conference. I rolled out of bed at 5:45 and left in sweats 15 minutes later to catch a flight... So I arrived to the conference hotel a pretty big mess. I always feel like a little bit a poser at these things, so it was important to make an entrance...

This is by far the biggest conference I've attended. I received the program in the mail a week ago, and it's roughly the size of a phone book. The intellectual exchange is crazy. And it's a funny subculture--a bunch of academics so completed interested in little tiny pieces of history (like myself). On the elevator I told my friend that almost an hour had passed since I heard the name Foucault. Everyone laughed. The father of postmodernism must be mentioned as much as possible! One woman suggested we make a drinking game out of it, take a shot every time someone says Foucault. We abandoned the idea because we would get alcohol poisoning.

I attended a session on African Americans in asylums (uplifting, I know) and finished the evening with dinner at an organic Indian restaurant. I shared a two-hour meal at Taste of India (not to be confused with Little India, right next door) with two colleagues I never see, even though we live in the same city. We had this great conversation deconstructing the Christian faith. It was 27 degrees when we walked home from our after dinner coffee shop... way too cold for my tastes!

New Year(s)

Time to replicate a dream and
Move forward,
Knowing that I am so undeniably
Not alone.
All this cyclical patterning
Of time and understanding,
And I feel more at peace
With myself.
The Peace You have given.

My Own Advent Conspiracy

For the past two Christmases I've been involved in the Advent Conspiracy, a movement inspiring compassion, not consumption, over the holidays. My church has done a lot to bring inspiration and practicality to this ideal, by providing several ways to donate money to Living Waters International. This organization builds and repairs wells to provide clean water to communities all over the world.

Last year, I felt convicted to spend half what I would normally spend on gifts and donate the other half to Water. This year, I felt like giving a small, set amount to water and being intentional with my gift-giving. I'm a big believer in Second Corinthians 9:7, "Each person should give what they have decided in their heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

So here's what's happened.

Last year, I gave one donation in honor of my office and gave everyone water bottle labels designed by the kids at my church. This year, one of my co-workers donated money for Water in honor of all her cousins.

My mother-in-law to be said she was inspired by the way my fiance and I do Christmas, and has decided to make it a tradition to donate to a different cause in my name each year. Given my heart for empowering women, she chose the Darfur Stoves Project this year, which provides stoves to refugee women that require 75% less fuel. This means they have to venture into the dangerous world outside the refugee camp much less.

My grandmother told me today that she and my grandfather spent their Christmas gift money for each other on a hefty food and supplies donation to Interfaith Ministries. My grandparents also requested that their children give a donation to a charity rather than give them gifts. My parents chose the 1000 Wells Project through Blood Water Mission, which also provides clean water. This was significant because my grandparents attend church with a man who owned a successful contracting business and gave it all up to work for Living Waters. My grandmother had tears in her eyes when she told me all this. They are fairly well off and could have afforded gifts in addition to their donation, but it just wasn't about that.

I did almost all of my Christmas shopping at Ten Thousand Villages this year. It's a fair trade organization that sells the most beautiful, handmade goods from everywhere. I have to admit I was so overwhelmed by the peaceful experience I had shopping there that I got teary more than once. Seeing Nativity scenes from all over the world was truly inspiring, recognizing how the story of God transcends culture.

Some say that giving is like a chain; I think it's more like a spiral. Because it all comes back to me in such miraculous ways. Three women have it a little easier in Darfur refugee camps, some children have the chance at life because of clean water, and a few artisans got a fair wage for the work, all indirectly because of me. This is why I believe in the miracle of Christ, because we are all so connected and so equipped to change and inspire and love.

It is by far the greatest conspiracy.

Advent One/Two

Listening to the Spirit move where I've never seen the Spirit move... It's everywhere and I feel this subtle awakening in all the parts of my soul. Because I remember Your simple entrance into the world and I am changed. It's a wonder that You understand the likes of me when You are so much more. But somehow that makes me everything, it makes me new and redeemed and whole. And it makes You bigger than I can imagine.

Recognizing the painfully simple miracles of my everyday, and I hope.

Savor the color of angels,
Taste the water of Life,
and breathe freely.

Reach deeply into our souls and bring healing into our brokenness.

I will Rejoice, for my Savior has come to change everything.

Checking In

Taking the pieces
And making them one;
Repairing,
Transitioning,
Repeating.

The cyclical pattern
Of all my anxiety
Rests calmly when I
Cast them on You.

Coming to know all the
Important entities of
Life and love and
Who You are.

And I still fret about
Tomorrow,
About the unknown
And the uncomfortable...

Adventurous as I am
I hesitate to let go,
To climb forward,
To change.

Checking out to fix it
All in isolation,
Where I make no sense
Of anything;

And I now choose to
Check back in
And untangle the ugly
Process of being solitary.

Renewing,
Embracing,
Sharing,
Being.

And thanking.

Mon Meilleur Ami (My Best Friend)

I have to thank my grandparents for suggesting I watch the French film Le Valet, because it introduced me to the two actors in this charming (that's right, charming) French movie Mon Meilleur Ami. The sentiment is reminiscent of Nick Hornby's About a Boy, as it explores the loneliness of isolation and the joy of finding community.

Francois, a successful art dealer takes a bet suggested by his partner that he must introduce her to his best friend in ten days. He essentially has no friends, and can't even connect to his own daughter or girlfriend in any real way. He meets a sociable cab driver whom he pays to teach him how to interact with people. As you might imagine, the two become friends. However, the plot takes a turn when Francois uses Bruno to win the bet and the two part ways in the wake of betrayal. (Don't worry, there's a happy ending.)

It just got me thinking about our basic need for friendship. Nothing too spectacular or profound, just how we need to connect to one another. Bruno tells Francois at one point that a friend will go the limit, but he can only understand that in monetary terms. He has the hardest time just having a conversation, or meeting with someone without a business reason. Friendship is sometimes frivolous, and it should be. It's also comforting and redeeming and all those things we can't always find in ourselves.

Like I said, nothing spectacular, just a good reminder of something so basic it's easy to forget.

Twenty-Seven

I started writing a really self-reflective post about getting older and being young, but instead I decided to cite some random things I have observed/experienced in the past few days. This randomness makes me love my neighborhood and school even more:

* In Third Ward, a man on a pedicab (you know, like a bicycle rickshaw) with a sign on the back that read "Tour de Hood"

* One of my women's studies students expressing her interest in becoming a trial lawyer at 80 for the express purpose of beating up on young, male lawyers in the courtroom

* Walking my fiancee's dog to the video store and letting her run around inside the store without a leash

* A woman brushing her teeth at the bus stop

* Showing the new IT girl the jock strap chandelier in my office


I wish I was creative enough to come up with this stuff on my own! It's a good thing my life holds so much inspiration.